Warning: Your toddler will say some seriously embarrassing things...

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There’s nothing nicer than when your beloved offspring starts stringing sentences together.  Those simple three word constructions can make you feel prouder than if they’d just completed a thesis on quantum physics. But Gemma Fraser knows that things can soon take a dark turn... 

“Bye bye teddy”, “Love you mummy”, “More milk please” = genius child. But the problems start when those sentences become longer, more involved, more descriptive, more observant, and downright more embarrassing for the lucky mummy of the child who just can’t keep their mouth shut. You need to quickly push that naïve pride aside and start preparing for a fall when your child begins talking, because you WILL find yourself in all sorts of situations where the ground cannot open up and swallow you quickly enough.

POINTING OUT YOUR PHYSICAL FLAWS

From the moment your child starts speaking in sentences, be ready to feel constantly unattractive. They will point out every time you have a spot. They will ask you why your ears stick out, or why you have a pointy nose, or fat legs, or a wobbly tummy. Not so long ago, I had a rather fetching spot on the end of my nose which my daughter took great delight in telling me – and all her friends – made me look like a witch. And let’s not mention the time she told my partner she “didn’t want to have a hairy bum like mummy” after catching sight of me in the shower…..it really didn’t make me feel any better when I pointed out she meant “front bum”, muttering “I’m pregnant FFS, I can barely even see down there anymore” under my breath….

POINTING OUT OTHER PEOPLE’S PHYSICAL FLAWS

Now these ones are real belters. I remember clearly the first time this happened to me, in the same way people can remember where they were when JFK was assassinated. We were in the pharmacy. She was about two. A – let’s say curvy – lady was standing beside us. My daughter excitedly shouts out “Mummy look! That lady has a baby in her tummy”. The lady who quite clearly didn’t have a baby in her tummy glared at me. I said nothing and silently died a little bit on the inside.

Another more recent one came when a friendly lady sparked up a conversation with myself and my daughter. All was perfectly pleasant until my daughter piped up with: “Are you a girl or a boy?”

HOW ARE BABIES MADE?

These questions are as inevitable as a toddler’s affection for Peppa Pig. I’ve been asked a few times, but perhaps the most embarrassing one was when I was caught off-guard in the cheese aisle in Morrisons. My friend had just had a baby boy, and I had picked up a card with my shopping, so I should have prepared for it, fool that I am. “Mummy, how does a baby get inside your tummy?” she asked, angelically. Clearly, I looked mortified as the staff member replenishing the parmesan beside us chipped in with “you swallow it, of course”. “Don’t be ridiculous”, replied my four-year-old. To be fair, she had a point…

SPILLING SECRETS

When you spend most of your days interacting with your child, without any other adult company, you sometimes start talking to them like you’re down the pub guzzling prosecco with an old mate. But, loose lips sink ships, as they say - or they at least drop you right in it at the most inopportune moments. I particularly enjoyed the time she told one of the well-to-do mums on the school run – who I had never spoken to before - that my partner had “put a baby in mummy’s tummy”. And the time she introduced me to the “naughty girl you don’t like” in the playground right in front of her mum. Yup, that made me Ms Popular amongst the other mums…

TOILET TALK

There’s literally nothing a child likes more than to discuss toilet habits. Theirs, yours, the woman who runs the corner shop’s… and they like to do it at the top of their voice - just you know, because they thrive on your awkwardness. They shout about needing a poo mid-way through your main course at a fancy restaurant, they ask loudly whether you are “doing a pee or a poo” whenever you’re using the toilet and just generally drop the subject matter into conversation at least 327 times a day. The best part is when you’re waiting patiently outside a public convenience and when you finally get the joy of taking your little one in to use the facilities, they comment on the activities of the person who has just vacated. “Mummy they just did a smelly poo! Mummy, mummy! Can you smell it?! Mummy! Answer me!”  FML…

@mushmums @GemmaFraser10