Let’s get it on…. a Peppa compilation, that is, and then we might be able to get round to the other thing, thanks to these tips from Gemma Fraser...
When you have kids, many aspects of your pre-baby life fall by the wayside. You stop socialising with your non-mummy friends, you can't remember what a hot cup of coffee tastes like, and dry shampoo and baby wipes become an acceptable substitute to showering.
There's one thing that can suffer more than anything once the pitter patter of tiny feet actually start pitter pattering around the house and making unwelcome appearances in the bedroom; the very thing that got them there in the first place: sex.
But don't despair, help is at hand! Following these simple tips can steal you a few precious moments of afternoon (or morning) delight.
1. Forget foreplay
Gone are the days when you could spend an eternity getting each other in the mood whilst gazing longingly into your beloved's eyes (I'm sure I read about this once in a Mills and Boon....). Now foreplay goes something like this: "quick, get your kit off before the Smarties run out" and it's straight down to business.
2. It's all about the bribes
The most important thing to remember is that kids are not stupid. They know when you are trying to get them out the way - so they will inevitably want something in return. It might not be our finest parenting moment, but, yes, giving your child access to the sweetie jar in return for reaching The Big O is completely acceptable. After all, a happy mummy equals a happy child, right?
3. Make your TV choices wisely
There's no point in putting on an episode of Peppa Pig (that really would be the ultimate definition of a quickie) so think carefully before sitting your little one in front of the box so you can escape unnoticed for as long as possible. Ideally you could stick on Frozen and get a free pass to climaxville, but YouTube compilations of Ben & Holly, Peter Rabbit or Fireman Sam are equally as effective. Just make sure that whatever you put on is going to last as long as your partner.
4. Be prepared
Let's face it, there's nothing worse than getting interrupted "mid-flow" and having to put an impromptu end to proceedings. So if you get an unwelcome visitor, make sure you have tools at hand to quickly divert those innocent eyes from what's going as soon as that bedroom door creaks open. Promise them a new toy if they go away and watch just one more episode of Paw Patrol, launch a chocolate bar as far as you can physically hurl it so they run off in pursuit, send them on a wild goose treasure hunt, or promise them a game of hide and seek if they go and find somewhere amazing to hide and don't come out until they've counted to 500.
5. Have your excuses at the ready
If you do get caught in the act, and there's just no way of getting rid, make sure you have a legitimate reason prepped as to why mummy and daddy would both be lying down in bed at 2.30 in the afternoon. After all, you don't want these antics repeated to all and sundry, so make sure it's believable. Mummy had a sore back and needed a massage, Daddy had a sore head and needed a special cuddle to make it better.....you get the picture. Oh and always, always, always make use of covers. Your child never needs to witness what a special cuddle actually looks like.