We're living in an era of "fake news". But never mind the politics, Jo E Verrill just wants to see headlines that would make life easier for mums...
VEGETABLES 'BAD FOR CHILDREN'
They've known it for a long time. You've suspected it, but the media, nutritionists, NHS, World Health Organization, teachers, doctors, health visitors, dinner ladies and basically everyone on the planet have hitherto struggled to get with the programme.
NEW GADGET 'WILL SEND TOTS TO SLEEP AT THE TOUCH OF A BUTTON'
Where is it? Where can I buy it? Who do I have to kill?
CHILDREN'S TEETH 'CLEAN THEMSELVES' UNTIL THEY'RE 18
For anyone who's ever chased a toddler around the house brandishing a brushful of the white stuff while maniacally firing out bribes, threats and stickers – or taken a clamp-jawed mute to the dentist – this would surely be a breath of minty fresh air.
EARLY YEARS TV-WATCHING 'LINKED TO GENIUS IQ’
There are oodles of studies on the nasty effects of the tellybox, but won't somebody think of the benefits? For example, my son – we’ll call him Johnny, because that's a good generic name for a child but also because that is his name – has learned the essential life skill of taking his finger and touching his nose (and blinking three times) because of TV. And will probably know to sign off all his blogs off with XOXO from the extraordinarily high Gossip Girl exposure in the first few months of his life.
DADS 'SHOULD ALWAYS PUT KIDS TO BED'
Sorry dads, there's some hot new research out and it points to the harmful effects of mothers Doing Too Much, particularly in the later hours of the day. For safety reasons the nation's doting fathers are going to have to step up to doing every bedtime unaided – any contact at all from the mother apparently could be fatal – until further notice.