Pregnancy loss: What not to say

3c70be45 3461 4990 88d9 e7c7aced2bd4

One anonymous writer reflects on the most uncomfortable things she heard when she experienced a miscarriage...

Obviously, saying the right thing when someone tells you that they’ve suffered from a pregnancy loss is a minefield, and we’ve all suffered from foot-in-mouth syndrome at some point in our lives. But these are actual things that were said to me, by fully-functioning nice and normal adults. There’s nothing wrong with saying “I’m sorry” and just leaving it at that. And NO ONE will ever be angry with you for sending flowers and chocolates.

1. “Was it something you did, or was it natural?”

Thank you for bringing this up - I’ve asked myself this countless times and in conclusion, am 90% sure it’s because of that glass of wine I drank before I knew I was pregnant.

2. “At least you can drink again now.”

What a fantastic comfort!

3. “Babies only come when they’re meant to.”

I guess the IVF and abortion industries are figments of my imagination then.

4. “You weren’t ready for a baby anyway.”

Thanks for keeping on top of my life schedule.

5. “At least you’re going to be fun again.”

The hormonal rollercoaster I’m on and giant sanitary towels in my knickers say otherwise, sorry.

6. “At least you know you’re fertile.”

Well, actually, no. It’s the exact opposite. I’m now convinced that there’s something hideously wrong with my decrepit, elderly body that means it can’t sustain life. 

7. “Everything happens for a reason.”

Is the reason that sometimes life is just shit and unfair? Because I did everything ‘right’.

8. “Well, you shouldn’t have told people you were pregnant so early.”

Thank you - I knew this was somehow my fault.

9. “Most women don’t make a fuss or go to the doctor.”

Said to me by a doctor. Who refused to put it on my medical records and said if it happened next time to catch it in a margarine tub and bring it in. I switched doctors, weirdly.

10. “But you’re not married.”

Same doctor.

11. “Think of it like a practice run.”

Good idea. I’ll be so much more relaxed the next time I get pregnant. Now I’ve learnt the knack.

12. “You wouldn’t have wanted a disabled baby anyway.”

I wanted *this* baby.

13. “That reminds me - guess who is pregnant!”

Well, not me now. And that’s the only answer I care about right this second. You harpy.

14. “It’s not like it was a real baby, was it?”

It was pretty real to me.

Hopefully, you don’t have any more to add to this list. But if you do, feel free to share your stories with us… and for friends who (hopefully) know the right thing to say at times like this, use Mush!

Mush is proudly supporting Tommy's during Baby Loss Awareness Week and highlighting their amazing research into miscarriage, premature birth & stillbirth (they also provide free pregnancy health information to parents-to-be). If you want more support, go to https://www.tommys.org/